Cold Turkey

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Seductive temptress,
eliciting a lust, an inherent want,
for things merely dreamed of,
beckoning like a smile,
a sway of curved hips,
promising delights untold,
you fill me, body and soul,
until you are all I know,
but like a drug, so intoxicating,
making me believe you are all I need,
I must quit you, part from company,
closing the door to your throaty call,
ignoring the fire rising in me,
for the excitement of lust will fade,
I’ll never get back the time I threw away,
so I will make a clean break from you,
leaving no crack or window
to the sanctuary of my heart,
where you will never be welcome again.

Belong

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She sighs,
glancing from the corner of her eyes,
at him again,
he’s so beautiful she can hardly stand,
in the same room,
berating herself in the privacy of her mind.

She’s different,
not something visible that you can touch,
it’s permanent,
not just a phase, she was born like this,
forget confidence,
she’s a woman no longer a little girl.

Alone,
whether in a crowd or by herself,
she watches,
people everywhere, going here or there,
silently accepting,
there’s nowhere she will ever belong.

Tuesday Talk : Single Parents

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Parenting.

Parenting is the most difficult, yet rewarding job there is in life. And being a single parent makes it that much harder. Maybe you have no help, or maybe your ex is a decent co-parent. Maybe your kids are young, or maybe they’re teenagers. Maybe you live near family, or maybe you’re on your own. I don’t know what your situation is, but I do know that if you’re a single parent, your life isn’t easy, and there’s many aspects to your life that non-parents, or couples will not understand.

I’m a single mom. I’m divorced (which was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life), and my ex has no part in my children’s lives. Not only to I have sole custody, in every sense of the word, he hasn’t contacted them or seen them in over a year. That’s both good and bad; good, because he’s an abusive drug addict, who causes a lot of interruption/stress in my kids’ lives, and bad because he IS their father, and he should care enough to see them once in a while. But I count my blessings. I have a lot of help from my parents; my mom is free to watch them, so I know they’re well taken care of when I am gone (work, school, appointments, etc), and my dad plays with them, takes them places, and helps to fulfill that male role model they need in their life.

I’ve done a lot of healing, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, even physically, in the past couple of years. And now, I believe that for the first time, in my adult life, I am finally, FINALLY at a place where I am able to live, to be who I am, and not base my happiness on anybody else, or choose things because it will/will not please anyone. I am able to excercise for me, I am able to buy clothes that I want, I am able to choose what values I will instill in my children and what things I will not allow them to see/be around (ie, violence, language, etc). It’s a very empowering thing; I am not coming back into the power that I had when I was 21, that young, adventurous, “I can do anything” vibrance. It’s a newfound maturity, and self-assurance. Which I’m sure will continue to grow as time goes on.

But, as a single parent, what about dating? Since I’ve been divorced, I still haven’t been on a “date”. I haven’t gone out with anyone, not even casually. There have been a few men whom have shown interest, and whom I’ve built friendships with, but any time it began to get more serious, I would quickly retreat. Not because I didn’t find them a suitable match, but because I wasn’t ready. Even now, I question that in myself. Am I ready to be in a relationship? Am I ready to share my life with someone? How do you know you’re ready to date, as a single parent? I try not to be too hard on myself, because I had to get through, and heal from all the abuse my ex put me through; it wouldn’t have worked if I would’ve started a relationship with anyone before that healing had taken place.

But, I struggle with considering that dating would mean time away from my kids. I know that I need time for myself, because while I am a mom, I am still a woman; a woman with her own needs, hobbies, likes, etc. It’s healthy to pursue things for yourself, and a healthy parent is a happy parent. Still, I worry because my children are young. When is the right time to introduce someone to them? How would they react to a boyfriend, if I had one? Those are serious questions. Sometimes, I think that I will probably just stay single for a while, like, quite a long while, because I want to be careful, and make sure someone is a good fit for us; let’s face it, I am a package deal, I come with kids. Recently, I really was feeling like I could start a relationship with a friend of mine. I mean, friendship is a good foundation for a relationship. But then, I found out that he was lying about certain things to me, and that was a huge no-no. I quickly put the brakes on that.

As a single parent, do you think there’s such a thing as too cautious? I have bad days, where I worry somethings that maybe I am too scarred emotionally to ever be in a relationship. Then, I have good days, where I feel confident that I will find a man who will love and respect me and love my kids, and be a good fit for us. When is the right time? How will I know? These are questions I haven’t yet answered, but I know are going to be a part of my subconscious for quite some time. For the moment, I’m happy just being me. No obligations on my time, no uncertainties, no surprises. I don’t think I have time for a relationship at the moment. And that’s ok.

The Way I Am

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I am like a wild animal,
cage me in and I will fly,
whether by your love
or be it with your attention,
I need to live freely,
windows unbarred
and wings unclipped;
out of love and understanding
I may remain for a while,
self-imposed captivity,
but after a while,
the craving to fly free
overtakes me,
and I will be gone,
away from the suffocation;
fresh air to breathe,
fresh thoughts to think,
the space to be myself,
is something I cherish highly
that can never be replaced.

Forgiving

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Heartache,
lifting,
barely breathing,
you find yourself here,
again;
memories,
haunting,
youth calling,
you remind yourself,
again;
sighing,
finding,
who you were,
you wish things could change,
again;
accepting,
acknowledging,
forgiving yourself,
you know this is not the end,
again.

Fantasies

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It is exhausting,
creativity-choking,
and emotionally constipating,
to have someone
depending on me,
to be the one
with every answer,
to brighten every day,
to be everything they need,
because I can’t be
anyone’s savior,
though today I may be a melody,
I can’t fix, solve or heal you,
I don’t belong on a pedestal,
just a human like you,
imperfection personified,
not someone to be glorified,
if you love me,
then love me as I am,
not how I should or could be,
not blinded by your fantasies,
I can never live up to
wild expectations
or delusions of grandeur,
I can’t be who
you want me to be,
I only have the strength
to be who I am,
and if that’s not good enough
for your perfect fantasies,
I’m sorry but I’m not sorry,
I don’t need your negativity.

Privacy

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msauthorette:

He has articulated well the duality of women, while also infusing a bit of humor in. Very nice piece of work.

Originally posted on The Mirror Obscura:

Privacy

It is the sensuality,
Sensitivity
And sensibility
Women have
That allows them to live
Their lives
Day to day
As if they knew
They were being watched
All the time.

It is the timid curiosity
Of men
That denies women
Privacy in moments
When they most need it
And gives them
Privacy when they least
Want it.

Photo by, Ferenc Berko

To Travel Without a Map: Poems: Mr. K. A. Brace: 9781493643004: Amazon.com: Books

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Lest We Forget: A Concise Companion to the First World War (my new book)

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msauthorette:

A book from one of the great bloggers I follow here on WordPress.

Originally posted on Stephen Liddell:

I know what you’re thinking.  Stephen can’t be releasing another book.  I know, I know.  I’m sorry.  Long-time readers will know that I spend my summers giving guided tours and during winter I spend most of my time writing and it just so happens that it takes a certain amount of time for books to be released.

Anyway this is a different sort of book as it is my first history book and something I am rather proud of especially as it is about one of my favourite areas of history, World War One.  I’ve written before about certain aspects of WW1 including my relation who fought the Red Baron, Armistice Day, Poetry from the trenches and recently about our new village memorial.

Manfred_von_Richthofen

Manfred_von_Richthofen – The Red Baron

I’ve always been interested in WW1 and have visited many of the important sights.  Actually I have quite a…

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